I have been doing my job for over 4 months now and only now I am starting to feel that everything is falling into places. And I sort of know what I am supposed to be doing and when…I know. Only took me that long. Oh well. My biggest goal for this year is to stop self doubting all the time. And I know I do that. I have actually been told off by others.
Also ‘a funny’ thing happened when I’ve started this job. I was fully expecting that after I will get out of the pub trade I will feel all happy and proud. That didn’t happen. Which actually did upset me by quite a lot. But it took me a while to realise that. I just knew something wasn’t right. Pretty sure I was hanging over depression there but it is incredibly hard to see these things because you are so involved in them. I just knew that I used to be so much happier. It was consuming me more than anything. And actually reading Murakami helped me to picture what was wrong – I could never achieve perfection and for some reason I was pushing myself there. So every time when I would achieve my goal, it wasn’t satisfying at all, I always felt that I should’ve done better job. And after I’ve realised that there was almost like a click that actually this is not ok, I should be so proud of what I do and what I’ve achieved so far. And that’s what I will be working on this year.
There are many more layers to this. Obviously. Nothing is ever this simple. I’m not ready to share the next layer of myself. Yet. It is way too personal and actually still pretty painful. But I am working on it. And I do feel that something has lifted off my shoulders. I have been having very vivid dreams. Quite disturbing often. When I have to sit up in bed and convince myself that it was definitely a dream. Not sure what I can do about that though.
But yes, this year is all about self love and self respect.