I feel like I have over complicated things, again. The blog and the website became a stick to beat myself with rather than a place of joy and inspiration. So I’m trying again.
The last few months I have actually spent in therapy, something I have been thinking about for a while but it always felt too self-indulgent or the time wasn’t right. And guess what that was - everyone’s favourite procrastination (as a result of the fear). The fear of change or movement. Sometimes the scariest part.
I am slowly but surely unpicking most of the stuff that I have been carrying with me for years. Lots of self-preservation mechanisms that no longer serve. Lots of self-limiting beliefs. (What a buzzword!) And also weird ‘must-dos’ and ‘have dos’. It is hard and painful to unpick them. And feels like I keep talking about the same stuff week in and week out. But that’s the healing. Talking and letting it out.
I gave myself a permission to go slowly, something I really struggle with. To chill. To read a book all day. To sit in a park. To go for a walk without any destination. To paint.
Through the years I have completely lost a part of me, it got hidden behind achievements and growth. But something valuable and vulnerable got shifted behind the curtain. Something that I can only get a little glance of, like a long-forgotten memory. Something that comes out when I put lots of silver rings on, have long hair and start to paint. I want to make that part stronger. I want to be more prominent.
Yesterday I read somewhere that our life's purpose is to come closer to reconnecting with our inner selves, our true being. This has really resonated with me. I am giving myself permission to dig deeper, to bring out what I have forgotten about, to relax, to breath.
Today is actually Autumn Equinox (or Mabon), the time to harvest, letting go and starting to hibernate. How strange that Spring Equinox was at the very beginning of the lockdown, and here we are, still here really. But also it is nice to be able to look back and see what has changed. I truly feel that my whole perspective has shifted. I want to say that I have discovered, but truly, I came back to tools that connect me with my intuition. I am sure I will talk about them soon, just need to find my words.
Sending you a hug and my love.